CDLC: Bobby Goldsboro - Watching Scotty Grow

OK, so I'm going to fire the first shot in our Creme de la Crap series with a hit by the man who might very well be the patron saint of CdlC. Here's "Watching Scotty Grow" by Bobby Goldsboro.



Musically, it's innocuous enough, kind of a typical early-70s MOR country-pop with some sub-Bacharach horns on top. It's clearly going for a similar feel as the great hits Glen Campbell was having with Jimmy Webb at the time, but with all the melodic and harmonic invention removed from it. Still, that doesn't necessarily make it bad enough to qualify. Where this one really stinks up the joint is the lyrics.

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad
What a handsome lad
That's my boy

You know that annoying co-worker who's always telling you about his kid? Here he is, in song form.

B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad
Well that ain't too bad
'Cause that's my boy

Hmmm...how can I say this politely? It's great that you're proud of your son and all, but that's way off the mark. Have you considered having him tested?

Well you can have your TV and your nightclubs

That's good, because I could use a drink right about now, and there are still two verses to go.

And you can have your drive-in picture show
I'll stay here with my little man near
We'll listen to the radio

Now we know who's listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Biding my time watching Scotty grow

Making a castle out of building blocks
And a cardboard box
That's my boy

Nothing about a plastic bag?

Mickey Mouse says it's thirteen o'clock
Well that's quite a shock
But that's my boy

So he can't spell or tell time? There is something happening here, but you don't know what it is. Do you, Mr. Goldsboro?

In four short years I've gone from rags to riches

All that money and you won't buy him anything more fun than some blocks? Get the kid a Wii, fer chrissakes. Oh, right. There's no TV.

And what I did before that, I don't know

Now I get it. His mental problems are genetic.

So let it rain on my windowpane
I got my own rainbow
And we're sitting here shining, watching Scotty grow

Who's we? You haven't mentioned the boy's mother anywhere.

Riding on daddy's shoulders up to bed
Old sleepyhead
That's my boy

OK, I have to admit, that's sweet. It makes me yearn for a childhood I never had. I didn't get carried up the stairs so much as Dad would use his last ounce of strength from working 12 hours a day to yell, 'You kids get to bed now! And I better not hear a peep out of any of you!"

Gotta have a drink of water and a story read
A teddybear named Fred

Seriously, what kind of name for a stuffed animal is "Fred?" In my neighborhood, Fred was the kid down the street who still had "L" and "R" written on his shoes in high school. You know, like the boy in this song.

That's my boy
What's that you say momma, come on and keep your feet warm?

OK, there she is. For a minuted, I was worried that Bobby had her killed, stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.

Well save me a place, I'll be there in a minute or so
I think I'll stay right here
And say a little prayer before I go
Me and God are watching Scotty grow

So let's see, God is watching over him, but he still has these problems? That would drive me to athiesm.

Me and God are watching Scotty grow

Just in case you didn't get the message (or nausea) the first time, here it is again. But even though the mother made an appearance late in the song, Bobby quickly takes her out of the picture to make sure that we all know that he is the guiding force on his son. Does the name "Todd Marinovich" mean anything to you?