Baby Got Back

An incredibly catchy song with some laugh-out-loud lyrics. Here presented in three versions.

The first is by Sir Mix-A-Lot




The second is a great version by Jonathan Coulton.

Great job by the backup singers: "LA face with the Oakland booty!"




Finally, a version done in the style of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta



This one disturbs me somehow.

Even crooks in Australia are stupid...

Crook 1 to Crook 2: "You know, when I said 'Grab the bread', I kinda figured you knew what I meant. But did you have to shoot me? In the ass?"

‘Pair of fools’ jailed in Australia after bungled burglary attempt

Great Simpsons headline, too.

He really couldn't resist, could he?

and I mean the headline writer as well as the kid.

Kansas governor’s son treads slippery slope

I also wonder about the governor of Kansas, but that isn't new.
If I could spend $3/can for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drink, I could be half tempted to spend the $35 on this...

Just call me Anferney.

Aussie Douchebag

If you haven't clicked the link to Hot Chicks With Douchebags on the sidebar, stop reading this and go there immediately. It is the most awesome site ever.
In between pictures of twits and sluts, I found this video of a news story about 16-year old Aussie boy who threw a party while his parents were away. Sounds harmless, right?
Well, apparently it escalated into a riot.
Check it out.

CDLC: R. Dean Taylor - Indiana Wants Me

R. Dean Taylor: Indiana Wants Me

Go ahead and have a listen.



It is 1970. The extended hangover from the Sixties has settled in. Vietnam swims in blood. The National Guard kills 4 at Kent State. Decades of environmental destruction take their toll. Racial tensions are extreme--the Manson Family is sentenced for a series of grisly murders by which they hoped to incite an all-out race war in the wake of city riots. A haze of drugs, youthful passion and naivete, and violence pollutes the credibility of justifiable grievances of the political left. A sense of modern civil war pervades, laying the foundation for Watergate. Jobs have begun leaving en masse. A great nation crumbles.

Into this chaos arrives "Indiana Wants Me."

Mmm mm-mmmm-mm
Mmm mm-mmmm-mm

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

So far so good. Understated lyrics and folk-rock reveal a growing desperation, foreshadowing some personal tragedy of enormous gravity, befitting the times.

If a man ever needed dyin', he did

Uh-oh. Suddenly the wheels are onto the rumble-strip. Sure, we're getting into something serious now, but:

• "Needed dyin'?" Some city fella's trying too hard.
• "Needed dyin'?" Where did you learn English? We should all be thankful Indiana doesn't want 'myself'.
• "Needed dyin'?" (He didn't mean 'dyeing', did he?)

Hmmm. Poetic license suspended pending further evaluation.

No one had the right to say what he said about you

Clearly not. Dyin's too good for him. Wait. What? "Said?!" What the Hell did he say? Oh well, bag the first amendment and don't settle for slander damages, just kill the S.O.B.

And it's so cold and lonely here without you
Out there the law's a-comin'
I'm scared and so tired of runnin'

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

Right, right, we get it. You killed him, they're after you, and it sucks. But what did he say? It's starting to become the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Except given that it was only talk, I think we need to know what was so freakin' bad about it that you had to go kill him and all.

It hurts to see the man that I've become
And to know I'll never see the morning sun shine on the land
I'll never see your smilin' face or touch your hand
If just once more I could see
You, our home, and our little baby

You've got a kid? And now you've gone and wrecked his life too, because of what some idiot said? Probably in a bar after a stupid debate over astroturf? What did he say about her? That she's ugly? She's a bitch? Those pants make her look fat? She always takes up two parking places? Lighten up, Francis.

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there {police sirens}
I wish I had you to talk to

Okay, your self-inflicted plight is starting to get funny now you moron. And if you had her to talk to, it seems you'd eventually find a reason to kill her too.

I hope this letter finds its way to you
Forgive me, Love, for the shame I put you through and all the tears
Hang on, Love, to the memories of those happy years
Red lights are flashin' around me
Yeah, Love, it looks like they found me

Stop, stop. License revoked. "This letter?" Let me look at the video again. Drop the pen and back away from the stationery. Real slow like. Honestly, I find it hard to get motivated to send my Christmas cards out and you were writing a letter when you got caught?! You do know they have all those wanted posters down at the Post Office, right?

Now let's all sit back and enjoy the great climax of the chase together.

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

Indiana wants me (this is the police, you are surrounded)
Lord, I can't go back there (give yourself up)
Indiana wants me (this is the police, give yourself up)
Lord, I can't go back there (you are surrounded)

For crying out loud, give the bag to Bozo while they shoot you for being the stupidest man on earth.

{shoot-out sound effects}

Thank you.

CDLC: Air Supply - All Out of Love

Here it is, in all its glory:



This masterpiece was first inflicted upon the world in 1980 by accomplished schlockmeisters Air Supply. (Yes, they're still touring. Dude, tan leather pants do not a rocker make.)

Anyway, the song was frequently (and rather optimistically) lumped into the category of 'soft rock', but it really should be classified as 'Puke Pop' - stuff that elicits the gag reflex. The only good thing I can say about their music is that it was strong on melody. They all kind of sound the same, though (Dave Matthews, anyone?) and their lyrics are among the worst I've ever heard, rivalling the depths plumbed by Leo Sayer

Let's review, shall we?

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts

Dude, get your head off the phone. It’s probably going to leave a welt.

I know you hurt too

What, you’re BOTH lying with your heads on the phone?

But what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

You mean, what else can you do besides lying on household electronics until it hurts? See, you're tormented because you're lying there...never mind. Here, let me help. You might buy a plane ticket and go visit.

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

This is the sort of amateurish, hack writing that really pisses me off. They throw in words to make the lines scan, changing the POV, and personalizing life and the day. For instance, they might have said “For times when I feel so low” and “When today I don’t really know”. Both those rewritten lines still scan properly, and they actually make sense.

Anyway, the chorus is where the prison-jumpsuit-wearing, perm-gone-wrong midget jumps in:

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

So, riddle me this,Batman.
If he's all out of love, why does he want this person back?

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely night

Presumably he’s singing to someone like Fabio who could swoop down and carry him off

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too

When you grope someone under a table, their facial expression should give you a clue.

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on

In other words, “Stop moving. I keep losing my grip."

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Er... (can't touch this...)

Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

That’s it. Wimp. He’s a needy, whiny, complaining wimp

Weeeeeeeellllllllll..........

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong


ad infinitum et nauseum

Damn, I hate this group.

Perhaps Sometimes You Can Really Make This Stuff Up

Does this show there's life on Mars?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article3232035.ece

CDLC: Bobby Goldsboro - Watching Scotty Grow

OK, so I'm going to fire the first shot in our Creme de la Crap series with a hit by the man who might very well be the patron saint of CdlC. Here's "Watching Scotty Grow" by Bobby Goldsboro.



Musically, it's innocuous enough, kind of a typical early-70s MOR country-pop with some sub-Bacharach horns on top. It's clearly going for a similar feel as the great hits Glen Campbell was having with Jimmy Webb at the time, but with all the melodic and harmonic invention removed from it. Still, that doesn't necessarily make it bad enough to qualify. Where this one really stinks up the joint is the lyrics.

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad
What a handsome lad
That's my boy

You know that annoying co-worker who's always telling you about his kid? Here he is, in song form.

B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad
Well that ain't too bad
'Cause that's my boy

Hmmm...how can I say this politely? It's great that you're proud of your son and all, but that's way off the mark. Have you considered having him tested?

Well you can have your TV and your nightclubs

That's good, because I could use a drink right about now, and there are still two verses to go.

And you can have your drive-in picture show
I'll stay here with my little man near
We'll listen to the radio

Now we know who's listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Biding my time watching Scotty grow

Making a castle out of building blocks
And a cardboard box
That's my boy

Nothing about a plastic bag?

Mickey Mouse says it's thirteen o'clock
Well that's quite a shock
But that's my boy

So he can't spell or tell time? There is something happening here, but you don't know what it is. Do you, Mr. Goldsboro?

In four short years I've gone from rags to riches

All that money and you won't buy him anything more fun than some blocks? Get the kid a Wii, fer chrissakes. Oh, right. There's no TV.

And what I did before that, I don't know

Now I get it. His mental problems are genetic.

So let it rain on my windowpane
I got my own rainbow
And we're sitting here shining, watching Scotty grow

Who's we? You haven't mentioned the boy's mother anywhere.

Riding on daddy's shoulders up to bed
Old sleepyhead
That's my boy

OK, I have to admit, that's sweet. It makes me yearn for a childhood I never had. I didn't get carried up the stairs so much as Dad would use his last ounce of strength from working 12 hours a day to yell, 'You kids get to bed now! And I better not hear a peep out of any of you!"

Gotta have a drink of water and a story read
A teddybear named Fred

Seriously, what kind of name for a stuffed animal is "Fred?" In my neighborhood, Fred was the kid down the street who still had "L" and "R" written on his shoes in high school. You know, like the boy in this song.

That's my boy
What's that you say momma, come on and keep your feet warm?

OK, there she is. For a minuted, I was worried that Bobby had her killed, stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.

Well save me a place, I'll be there in a minute or so
I think I'll stay right here
And say a little prayer before I go
Me and God are watching Scotty grow

So let's see, God is watching over him, but he still has these problems? That would drive me to athiesm.

Me and God are watching Scotty grow

Just in case you didn't get the message (or nausea) the first time, here it is again. But even though the mother made an appearance late in the song, Bobby quickly takes her out of the picture to make sure that we all know that he is the guiding force on his son. Does the name "Todd Marinovich" mean anything to you?

She Works Hard for the Money

WARNING: Have Eye Bleach close by!!

Ain't no way, no how, not with mine, yours, or anyone else's. If there were another I'd suspect the Four Horsemen were bringing about the End of Days.

If one were able to descend into the depths of Hell and snap photos of the heads of Cerberus, this would be the line up.

Can I be any more clear?!

Happiness is a warm gun. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot

Police: Man Shot Himself In Genitals During Robbery

"He said he had been shot (and) someone was trying to rob him,"

Er, there's this technique in forensics called bullet trajectory analysis. It would have shown that the alleged assailant had shoved a gun into waistband of the 'victim' and fired downwards.

How come they never land next to the Smithsonian?

The latest UFO news


It was real big-like...

Texans report seeing UFO

My favorite bits in the article:

• "People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times"
• "You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal"
• He said he watched it through his rifle's telescopic lens

Holy S...

...sand, that is...

Police find that 'holy sand' was drugs

What priest DOESN'T tape packages of holy sand to his legs, anyway? Give the guy points for originality, at least.

Creme De La Crap

So the reason this blog exists is because, a number of years ago, Matt created a CD called Creme de la Crap, a compilation of what he considered to be the worst songs ever. Not satisfied with only 24 steaming piles of musical genius, he enlisted a number of his music geek friends to suggest their favorites for future volumes.

This became tougher than we thought, for not only did we have more songs than we knew what to do with, we also didn't want to have to listen to them in order to determine whether, say, "Key Largo" is worse than "I've Never Been To Me" (it is). So instead, we would just e-mail each other stories like the ones below and make snarky comments about them, and that's why we created this blog, to share it with all of you.

But that doesn't mean we have completely abandoned CdlC. Through inspiration by the gang at Popdose, home of the Cutouts Gone Wild, Chart Attack and Mellow Gold series', we can continue our original mission. Stay tuned for more.

Of course! It's so simple, really.

Gynos Removing Wrinkles?

Are people really this stupid? (Don't answer) For evidence, the state presents this statement from the 'victim':

“She’s a really good gynecologist, so I assumed she’d be good at anything she did,” says the 29-year-old Chicago-based realtor.

---------------------------

Sure, no problem. If I ever have a brain tumor, I'll call on Chris DeMarco to operate because, you know, he's a really good golfer.

These people are opting out of the gene pool. Let 'em go, sez I!

Like chicken?

Bon Apetit!

This article has a little something for everyone. I particularly like the very last quote the answer to which is "the one in the microwave"!

...or wear plaid, for that matter

Dead men don't cash checks

Did they really think this was a good plan?

"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said.

The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check

[snip]

"He was deceased in the apartment when he was removed by these two," Browne said.

Nobody appreciates radical design anymore

General Dynamics steps on a mine

From an article talking about a defense contract that General Dynamics lost w/ the government of the Czech Republic.

"The Pandur II CZ has an interesting quirk -- it was designed with a reverse-V bottom, the opposite of the V-shaped bottoms that have become all the rage since Force Protection (Nasdaq: FRPT) invented them. Everyone from Spartan Motors (Nasdaq: SPAR) to BAE Systems to Navistar began copying the design. The V-shaped hull is designed to deflect mine and IED blasts away from the vehicle and the crew inside, but the reverse-V design tries to contain the blast and keep it from ... hurting the tires. Hmm ... valuing tire rubber over human lives, who'd-a-thunk that idea wouldn't fly?"

Given that we've just come through the holiday season...

Jesus may save, but Christians spend

Under Construction

Check back soon for more.

- The YRCMTU Crew