Cranky Pills

Was this warning really necessary?

2009-03-05T11:55:00.001-05:00

If you like movies...

2008-12-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

here's a rapid-fire set of spoilers...

A early piece of holiday cheer

2008-11-30T08:15:00.001-05:00

File under:

technology/alternative use

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2008/11/29/Man_beats_attacker_with_giant_candy_cane/UPI-78771227984812/

Creepy

2008-11-23T19:37:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMpvTuBPWt4

Hack your Roomba?!? WTF?!?

2008-11-18T23:34:00.001-05:00

#2 is awesome!

Here is another link to it...

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/roomba-with-airsoft-gun-and-laser-sight-terrorizes-ankles-253791.php

2008-11-18T22:23:00.000-05:00

But they are so cuddly....

Offered without comment.

2008-11-18T12:45:00.004-05:00

I have nothing to add.

He was only thinking of her....

2008-11-12T08:32:00.000-05:00

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1996710.html

You shouldn't let poets lie to you

2008-11-04T08:27:00.003-05:00

'Artists' are cool. You know, all fanciful and ignorant...

In this clip, Bjork explains the intricate technical details of a CRT-based TV set.

This is great stuff. (The title of this post comes from her explanation.)

Just in time for Christmas!

2008-10-17T11:29:00.002-04:00

I've been waiting for a toy like this forever

Bush or Batman

2008-09-11T21:52:00.001-04:00

That's Batman from the 60s TV show.

They both spoke in very overwrought prose...

Funny video

A perfect mixture of...

2008-08-08T11:55:00.001-04:00

...cool technology, and a display of over-the-top patheticness. (or is that patheticity? patheticitude?)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26035202/

"It is a miracle for me because I was able to smile again, laugh again and just feel alive again,"

I love that picture too.

In a truly nerdy reference, does this bring up memories of Duncan Idaho?

Probably a wise decision

2008-08-06T23:38:00.003-04:00

Greyhound has reconsidered its most recent advertising campaign.

This reminds me of when Drowning Pool yanked their very good song right after 9/11. The title just didn't seem appropriate.

It's not the kind of music I usually like, but I LOVE this song.

Let's Get Back On Track, Shall We?

2008-07-31T16:14:00.002-04:00

“Same Old Lang Syne”

This nightmare was unleashed upon the world in 1980 and was spawned by the late master of poo, Dan Fogelberg. To give you an idea of the state of mind of the nation in that turbulent time, this actually peaked at number 9 on the Top 100 (…and was many a Long Distance Dedication). The song really has it all; whiny, woe-is-me lyrics, a somewhat cloying melody, and the piece de resistance: an over the top Kenny G-like sax solo as insult to the aural injury. Let’s look, shall we?

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve

Had Dan done this 10 years later he would’ve found himself in Aisle 4 trying to rinse the pepper spray out of his eyes with Hawaiian Punch. Oh, and looks like someone’s getting a really lousy present this year…

She didn’t recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried.

He recognizes her from behind yet it takes her a moment to place his face? Bow chicka wow wow!! Now, dry your eyes and pick up your crap…

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged.

Not sure if a great deal of conversation is needed for “paper or plastic”. Besides, it’s Christmas Eve, this is probably the only grocery store open, and these two morons are holding up the line. LET’S GO!!

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn’t find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car.

Now we’re talkin’…just like prom. To review: grocery store – open, liquor store – open, bars – closed. And drinkin’ and drivin’ is bad, mkay?

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

A bottle of Southern Comfort would’ve reached beyond the emptiness…seen it happen myself.

She said shed married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie.

Not to quibble here, but technically it’s the builder keeping her warm and safe and dry…her husband draws pictures. And it hardly seems fair not getting his side of the story. I mean, it could be her, y’know? (although verse two leads me to believe otherwise, knowhatImean? I think you do…)

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure if I saw
Doubt or gratitude.

Neither…that’s the look of low-grade inebriation…make your move, man. Now, now, NOO..

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell.

..WWW! Too late…she changed the subject. And besides, any guy friggin’ crying about traveling around getting paid to play music deserves to be left in the lurch. I’m really developing a hatred for this clown. Anyway, how to get back on track…I know, ply her with more booze!

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how.

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another auld lang syne...

There we go!! WOO HOO…okay, my man, move in for the kill…

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away.

L O S E R !! He gets three beers into a freak that’s not terribly fond of her husband and can’t seal the deal. I hope it starts raining and you have to walk home…

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain –

AHHHHAHAHAHAHA!! Serves you right!! Walked out in the snow, didn’t get your stuff from the store, coughed up a few bucks for beers, and now you get to walk back home in the rain in pants that fit funny now.

(as the horrible sax solo plays, I always envision this schmuck walking down the road, head hung low, when a car drives by through a puddle soaking him to the bone and putting the final touch on his evening of sorrow)

You will all go green...or pink

2008-07-15T14:38:00.002-04:00

Methane is a dangerous to our environment. Cows produce methane enthusiastically.

Here's a solution.

This is a keeper

2008-07-03T18:21:00.001-04:00

Spend the six or seven minutes it takes and watch this video.

Do it now.

File this under "Things you didn't think you needed"

2008-06-20T10:05:00.001-04:00

Mint can be so boring sometimes...

Tastes like Semtex...wait, what?!

2008-06-10T11:33:00.001-04:00

You know your chicken's done when the handy timer goes off...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080610/ap_on_fe_st/odd_chicken_bomb

News flash: Hitler wore pants!!!

2008-05-29T07:48:00.004-04:00

That inevitably means you are not allowed to, presumably because it shows you might be a Nazi too.

Babbling idiots have taken over the world.

I think we're gonna need a bigger....bed.

2008-05-27T14:54:00.002-04:00

JAWS 7?

Maybe he was hungry?

2008-05-25T19:04:00.001-04:00

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/clayton/stories/2008/05/22/student_butt_bite_wal_mart.html

Whoops!

2008-05-19T19:39:00.005-04:00

Doesn't this kinda remind you of those morons who play Russian Roulette with a revolver that only has one chamber empty?

Those wacky Canadians...

BTW, the worst (on all kinds of levels) Russian Roulette story I heard recently was where a teenager died after playing the game with a single bullet. And an automatic. I'd cry, but it's just too damn funny...

It's all a matter of priorities, isn't it?

2008-05-13T21:32:00.003-04:00

I don't know why they had to fine the guy. Anyway, Darwin and Alice Springs haven't become as tame and domesticated as the major Australian cities...

Driver buckles beer in car -- but not child

Isn't this 'Ageism'?

2008-05-13T12:52:00.002-04:00

Seems to me this young man is being unduly persecuted for his relationship with an older woman. I mean, if loving someone like her is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

http://www.wgal.com/news/16250298/detail.html

This Is Called Not Hitting The Jackpot

2008-05-12T10:36:00.002-04:00

http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2008/may/09/suspect-seeks-meth-in-lost-and-found/

A 33-year-old Seattle man was charged in Kitsap County for possession of a controlled substance after he tried to retrieve a bag containing methamphetamine from the Suquamish Casino's lost-and-found May 7.
The casino's security officer alerted the Kitsap County Sheriff's Office when the bag, turned in by a customer, was found to contain three knives, a bag of white crystals later identified as meth, some jewelry, a small digital scale and some blood pressure medication. The suspect's identification was also in the bag.

[h/t VegasTripping]

Here's A Doozy

2008-05-07T13:12:00.001-04:00

Lost in all the election coverage last night was the news that the Justice Department raided the office of Special Counsel head Scott Bloch, whose job is to protect government employees who report crimes committed by the Administration. According to the story, Bloch is "fighting allegations of improper political bias and obstruction of justice."

This may be the most perfectly symbolic of all of Bush's political appointees, a person so incompetent that he didn't think that whistle-blowers would complain about nobody following up on their complaints.

I may actually miss these idiots, but just for the comedy.

I don't see this on my list of excursions from the cruise...

2008-05-06T17:15:00.001-04:00

The first stop on our honeymoon!

Just BEING British is funny, but I seldom find them humorous....

2008-04-24T14:14:00.001-04:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/north_west/7360871.stm

From across the pond.....

Damn! Hit-and-run Grannies.

2008-04-16T21:18:00.007-04:00

That should be the title of a new movie...

Women convicted in murder-for-profit case

This story reminded me of Monty Python's skit about Hell's Grannies

My hero

2008-04-05T16:14:00.003-04:00

Now, THIS is a cranky old man...

Farmer cuts property in two to give to ex-wife

Honest, judge, it was an accident...

2008-03-31T23:50:00.004-04:00

...again and again and again...

Police: Wife tried to drive over man 20 times

What, he couldn't just go inside the house?

WTF?

2008-03-13T11:58:00.006-04:00

I don't know what comment I can offer here. It's pretty sad, actually.

Boyfriend: Phobia caused woman's 2-year bathroom stay

"Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman's skin had grown around the [toilet] seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom."

Eeewwww!

If you don't stop, you're a real...

2008-03-11T10:18:00.003-04:00

...Athol. As in Athol, MA.

Does this remind anyone of that fantastic Saturday Night Live skit from years ago? The one with Nicolas Cage worried about his new kid's name? He kept mispronouncing all the candidate names, making them sound like obscenities. It's only when he yells at the pizza delivery guy who knocks at the door "It's Ahss-wee-pay!!" that we understand the angst.

I know this is progress, but...

2008-03-06T10:17:00.005-05:00

... it still weirds me out a bit.

Researchers working to teach creepy baby robot to talk

Big points to the writer of this blurb for the Blade Runner reference.

Incidentally, the original line is "I want more life, fucker", but it's been changed to "I want more life, father" in the latest release. I don't know why they did that. Doesn't matter. That's still one of the few Blu-Ray discs I intend to buy. As soon as I get a Blu-Ray player. C'mon, Panasonic!

You know how some mug shots are kinda cool?

2008-03-02T21:03:00.003-05:00

This ain't one of 'em.

Ex-Hollywood Madam Fleiss Arrested

Keith Olbermann's report was fantastic. He said " "A sad fall from grace to report tonight. Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has been arrested today – well, technically it's more of a lateral from grace.""

Really, could you write a better punch line?

2008-03-01T23:05:00.002-05:00

Minn. man hits woman on way to anger management class

It wasn't even his FIRST class!

CDLC: Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra

2008-02-17T23:13:00.000-05:00

Someone played Steve Miller
Someone set some stuff on fire

The brilliance of Jonathan Coulton's song "The Town Crotch" begins with a perfect description of a kegger, right down to music being played. Let's face it, at some point in our lives, we've all been at a party where we've stopped what we're doing, raised our cups and yelled "Woo-woo!" at the appropriate moment in "The Joker."
And that was what Steve Miller did best, create background music for frat parties - and I don't mean that in a bad way. Like an episode of The King Of Queens, it's formulaic and edgeless, but also unpretentious and fun. Whenever you hear "Rock'n Me," "Take The Money And Run," or any one his hits, you can put away your troubles for a spell. I'd rather listen to those than nearly everything Brian Eno has ever produced.
But by 1982, he was six years behind his high point of Fly Like An Eagle. My guess is that he freaked out when his old buddy Boz Scaggs sold assloads of copies of Silk Degrees and never fully recovered. But it turns out he had one more giganto-hit in him, and those of us who remember it are still in therapy as a result. Here's "Abracadabra."

The intro sets the tone perfectly, with Miller's trademark plonky guitar tone above some then-modern synthesizer effects, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm flying like an eagle, but on a big ol' jet airliner."

I heat up, I cant cool down
You got me spinnin' around and 'round
'round and 'round and round it goes
Where it stops nobody knows

He's obviously so taken with this woman that Miller is referring to himself as "it." This is known as the Reverse Rickey Henderson.

Also. when the first verse repeats a word five times and you're not listening to Van Morrison's Astral Weeks, you're in trouble.

Every time you call my name
I heat up like a burnin' flame

It is at this point in the video that we are first introduced to the shirtless men in parachute pants.

That's right, we can blame MC Hammer on Steve Miller.

Burnin' flame full of desire
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher

Everytime this verse gets played somewhere, Jimi Hendrix's "Fire" dies a little inside. But the song does transition nicely into the chorus.

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya

Now, I know it's got to be tough to come up with a rhyme for "Abracadabra," but come on? I challenge any man to use that as a pick-up line and see if he leaves the bar with his nuts intact. Any woman who could be seduced by a come-on like that probably didn't meet the IQ requirements for Season Two of "Rock Of Love with Bret Michaels."

Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

Four lines in the chorus, three of which are the same. This challenges Paul McCartney's "My Love" for CdlC's "Laziest Chorus In A Number One Hit" award.

You make me hot, you make me sigh
You make me laugh, you make me cry

Again, Miller tries to connect with his past. I'm a joke, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker.

Also, there's the lack of parallel structure in the antonyms. "Laugh" and "cry" work properly, if simplistically, together, but "hot" and "sigh?" Besides, we already know he can't cool down because of the first friggin' verse, so at least he's got continuity going for him.

Keep me burnin' for your love
With the touch of a velvet glove

She challenged him to a duel?

I feel the magic in your caress
I feel magic when I touch your dress

OK, I have to confess that, growing up, I always thought the lyric said, "I feel magic when I touch your breast," which would had been so much cooler.

Silk and satin, leather and lace
Black panties with an angel's face

Settle down, Beavis.

I see magic in your eyes
I hear the magic in your sighs

Just in case you didn't get the hint that this song had a magic theme from the title, here are some reinforcements.

Just when I think Im gonna get away
I hear those words that you always say

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

Every time you call my name
I heat up like a burnin flame
Burnin flame full of desire
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher

Was this verse so deep that it needed to be repeated?

I heat up, I cant cool down
My situation goes round and round
(repeat and fade)

Just for the record, apart from the title and "situation", no word in this song has more than two syllables. Make of that what you will.

I've heard of serial killers before, but...

2008-02-15T15:21:00.003-05:00

a serial caller??

"Because it's free"

"The caller responded to emergency operators with bodily noises, muttering and pressing beep tones"

Admit it, haven't you wanted to do this?

I can't imagine why anyone might be offended...

2008-02-13T01:35:00.001-05:00

Get tight with Christ...

A lucky win, really...

2008-02-12T07:59:00.000-05:00

...because when they first opened her cage, the bitch wouldn't come out!

Diva, I mean...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/02/11/patty.hearst.ap/index.html

Lame Hits Of The 1970s

2008-02-09T09:24:00.000-05:00

Go over to Power Pop, where Steve's Weekend Listomania compiles ten of the lamest hit singles of the 1970s. Many of these are already part of the CdlC collection, a handful I had forgetten about, and the others I've tried to purge from my thoughts.

The latest reincarnation of 'Duck and Cover'

2008-02-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

'Grab your pants and a shot of whiskey'

It has a certain ring to it, does it not?

A heartwarming story of a tornado (ter-nyder) survivor

A quote for our times: "I think God was holding my leg, beating my ass" which is a modern manifestation of "“I am a vengeful God full of wrath”"

The best Presidential debate EVER!

2008-02-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

Harry Shearer hosts a Silent Debate between McCain and Kucinich on his Own Damn Channel.

Baby Got Back

2008-01-31T15:01:00.000-05:00

An incredibly catchy song with some laugh-out-loud lyrics. Here presented in three versions.

The first is by Sir Mix-A-Lot

The second is a great version by Jonathan Coulton.

Great job by the backup singers: "LA face with the Oakland booty!"

Finally, a version done in the style of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta

This one disturbs me somehow.

Even crooks in Australia are stupid...

2008-01-31T00:46:00.000-05:00

Crook 1 to Crook 2: "You know, when I said 'Grab the bread', I kinda figured you knew what I meant. But did you have to shoot me? In the ass?"

‘Pair of fools’ jailed in Australia after bungled burglary attempt

Great Simpsons headline, too.

He really couldn't resist, could he?

2008-01-28T09:33:00.000-05:00

and I mean the headline writer as well as the kid.

Kansas governor’s son treads slippery slope

I also wonder about the governor of Kansas, but that isn't new.
If I could spend $3/can for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drink, I could be half tempted to spend the $35 on this...

Just call me Anferney.

Aussie Douchebag

2008-01-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

If you haven't clicked the link to Hot Chicks With Douchebags on the sidebar, stop reading this and go there immediately. It is the most awesome site ever.
In between pictures of twits and sluts, I found this video of a news story about 16-year old Aussie boy who threw a party while his parents were away. Sounds harmless, right?
Well, apparently it escalated into a riot.
Check it out.

CDLC: R. Dean Taylor - Indiana Wants Me

2008-01-25T06:09:00.000-05:00

R. Dean Taylor: Indiana Wants Me

Go ahead and have a listen.

It is 1970. The extended hangover from the Sixties has settled in. Vietnam swims in blood. The National Guard kills 4 at Kent State. Decades of environmental destruction take their toll. Racial tensions are extreme--the Manson Family is sentenced for a series of grisly murders by which they hoped to incite an all-out race war in the wake of city riots. A haze of drugs, youthful passion and naivete, and violence pollutes the credibility of justifiable grievances of the political left. A sense of modern civil war pervades, laying the foundation for Watergate. Jobs have begun leaving en masse. A great nation crumbles.

Into this chaos arrives "Indiana Wants Me."

Mmm mm-mmmm-mm
Mmm mm-mmmm-mm

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

So far so good. Understated lyrics and folk-rock reveal a growing desperation, foreshadowing some personal tragedy of enormous gravity, befitting the times.

If a man ever needed dyin', he did

Uh-oh. Suddenly the wheels are onto the rumble-strip. Sure, we're getting into something serious now, but:

"Needed dyin'?" Some city fella's trying too hard.
"Needed dyin'?" Where did you learn English? We should all be thankful Indiana doesn't want 'myself'.
"Needed dyin'?" (He didn't mean 'dyeing', did he?)

Hmmm. Poetic license suspended pending further evaluation.

No one had the right to say what he said about you

Clearly not. Dyin's too good for him. Wait. What? "Said?!" What the Hell did he say? Oh well, bag the first amendment and don't settle for slander damages, just kill the S.O.B.

And it's so cold and lonely here without you
Out there the law's a-comin'
I'm scared and so tired of runnin'

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

Right, right, we get it. You killed him, they're after you, and it sucks. But what did he say? It's starting to become the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Except given that it was only talk, I think we need to know what was so freakin' bad about it that you had to go kill him and all.

It hurts to see the man that I've become
And to know I'll never see the morning sun shine on the land
I'll never see your smilin' face or touch your hand
If just once more I could see
You, our home, and our little baby

You've got a kid? And now you've gone and wrecked his life too, because of what some idiot said? Probably in a bar after a stupid debate over astroturf? What did he say about her? That she's ugly? She's a bitch? Those pants make her look fat? She always takes up two parking places? Lighten up, Francis.

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there {police sirens}
I wish I had you to talk to

Okay, your self-inflicted plight is starting to get funny now you moron. And if you had her to talk to, it seems you'd eventually find a reason to kill her too.

I hope this letter finds its way to you
Forgive me, Love, for the shame I put you through and all the tears
Hang on, Love, to the memories of those happy years
Red lights are flashin' around me
Yeah, Love, it looks like they found me

Stop, stop. License revoked. "This letter?" Let me look at the video again. Drop the pen and back away from the stationery. Real slow like. Honestly, I find it hard to get motivated to send my Christmas cards out and you were writing a letter when you got caught?! You do know they have all those wanted posters down at the Post Office, right?

Now let's all sit back and enjoy the great climax of the chase together.

Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
Indiana wants me
Lord, I can't go back there
I wish I had you to talk to

Indiana wants me (this is the police, you are surrounded)
Lord, I can't go back there (give yourself up)
Indiana wants me (this is the police, give yourself up)
Lord, I can't go back there (you are surrounded)

For crying out loud, give the bag to Bozo while they shoot you for being the stupidest man on earth.

{shoot-out sound effects}

Thank you.

CDLC: Air Supply - All Out of Love

2008-01-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

Here it is, in all its glory:

This masterpiece was first inflicted upon the world in 1980 by accomplished schlockmeisters Air Supply. (Yes, they're still touring. Dude, tan leather pants do not a rocker make.)

Anyway, the song was frequently (and rather optimistically) lumped into the category of 'soft rock', but it really should be classified as 'Puke Pop' - stuff that elicits the gag reflex. The only good thing I can say about their music is that it was strong on melody. They all kind of sound the same, though (Dave Matthews, anyone?) and their lyrics are among the worst I've ever heard, rivalling the depths plumbed by Leo Sayer

Let's review, shall we?

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts

Dude, get your head off the phone. It’s probably going to leave a welt.

I know you hurt too

What, you’re BOTH lying with your heads on the phone?

But what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

You mean, what else can you do besides lying on household electronics until it hurts? See, you're tormented because you're lying there...never mind. Here, let me help. You might buy a plane ticket and go visit.

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

This is the sort of amateurish, hack writing that really pisses me off. They throw in words to make the lines scan, changing the POV, and personalizing life and the day. For instance, they might have said “For times when I feel so low” and “When today I don’t really know”. Both those rewritten lines still scan properly, and they actually make sense.

Anyway, the chorus is where the prison-jumpsuit-wearing, perm-gone-wrong midget jumps in:

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

So, riddle me this,Batman.
If he's all out of love, why does he want this person back?

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely night

Presumably he’s singing to someone like Fabio who could swoop down and carry him off

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too

When you grope someone under a table, their facial expression should give you a clue.

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on

In other words, “Stop moving. I keep losing my grip."

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Er... (can't touch this...)

Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

That’s it. Wimp. He’s a needy, whiny, complaining wimp

Weeeeeeeellllllllll..........

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

ad infinitum et nauseum

Damn, I hate this group.

Perhaps Sometimes You Can Really Make This Stuff Up

2008-01-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

Does this show there's life on Mars?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article3232035.ece

CDLC: Bobby Goldsboro - Watching Scotty Grow

2008-01-17T20:14:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm going to fire the first shot in our Creme de la Crap series with a hit by the man who might very well be the patron saint of CdlC. Here's "Watching Scotty Grow" by Bobby Goldsboro.

Musically, it's innocuous enough, kind of a typical early-70s MOR country-pop with some sub-Bacharach horns on top. It's clearly going for a similar feel as the great hits Glen Campbell was having with Jimmy Webb at the time, but with all the melodic and harmonic invention removed from it. Still, that doesn't necessarily make it bad enough to qualify. Where this one really stinks up the joint is the lyrics.

There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad
What a handsome lad
That's my boy

You know that annoying co-worker who's always telling you about his kid? Here he is, in song form.

B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad
Well that ain't too bad
'Cause that's my boy

Hmmm...how can I say this politely? It's great that you're proud of your son and all, but that's way off the mark. Have you considered having him tested?

Well you can have your TV and your nightclubs

That's good, because I could use a drink right about now, and there are still two verses to go.

And you can have your drive-in picture show
I'll stay here with my little man near
We'll listen to the radio

Now we know who's listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Biding my time watching Scotty grow

Making a castle out of building blocks
And a cardboard box
That's my boy

Nothing about a plastic bag?

Mickey Mouse says it's thirteen o'clock
Well that's quite a shock
But that's my boy

So he can't spell or tell time? There is something happening here, but you don't know what it is. Do you, Mr. Goldsboro?

In four short years I've gone from rags to riches

All that money and you won't buy him anything more fun than some blocks? Get the kid a Wii, fer chrissakes. Oh, right. There's no TV.

And what I did before that, I don't know

Now I get it. His mental problems are genetic.

So let it rain on my windowpane
I got my own rainbow
And we're sitting here shining, watching Scotty grow

Who's we? You haven't mentioned the boy's mother anywhere.

Riding on daddy's shoulders up to bed
Old sleepyhead
That's my boy

OK, I have to admit, that's sweet. It makes me yearn for a childhood I never had. I didn't get carried up the stairs so much as Dad would use his last ounce of strength from working 12 hours a day to yell, 'You kids get to bed now! And I better not hear a peep out of any of you!"

Gotta have a drink of water and a story read
A teddybear named Fred

Seriously, what kind of name for a stuffed animal is "Fred?" In my neighborhood, Fred was the kid down the street who still had "L" and "R" written on his shoes in high school. You know, like the boy in this song.

That's my boy
What's that you say momma, come on and keep your feet warm?

OK, there she is. For a minuted, I was worried that Bobby had her killed, stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.

Well save me a place, I'll be there in a minute or so
I think I'll stay right here
And say a little prayer before I go
Me and God are watching Scotty grow

So let's see, God is watching over him, but he still has these problems? That would drive me to athiesm.

Me and God are watching Scotty grow

Just in case you didn't get the message (or nausea) the first time, here it is again. But even though the mother made an appearance late in the song, Bobby quickly takes her out of the picture to make sure that we all know that he is the guiding force on his son. Does the name "Todd Marinovich" mean anything to you?

She Works Hard for the Money

2008-01-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

WARNING: Have Eye Bleach close by!!

Ain't no way, no how, not with mine, yours, or anyone else's. If there were another I'd suspect the Four Horsemen were bringing about the End of Days.

If one were able to descend into the depths of Hell and snap photos of the heads of Cerberus, this would be the line up.

Can I be any more clear?!

Happiness is a warm gun. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot

2008-01-16T10:46:00.000-05:00

Police: Man Shot Himself In Genitals During Robbery

"He said he had been shot (and) someone was trying to rob him,"

Er, there's this technique in forensics called bullet trajectory analysis. It would have shown that the alleged assailant had shoved a gun into waistband of the 'victim' and fired downwards.

How come they never land next to the Smithsonian?

2008-01-15T01:25:00.000-05:00

The latest UFO news

It was real big-like...

Texans report seeing UFO

My favorite bits in the article:

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times"
"You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal"
He said he watched it through his rifle's telescopic lens

Holy S...

2008-01-12T12:16:00.000-05:00

...sand, that is...

Police find that 'holy sand' was drugs

What priest DOESN'T tape packages of holy sand to his legs, anyway? Give the guy points for originality, at least.

Creme De La Crap

2008-01-11T16:14:00.000-05:00

So the reason this blog exists is because, a number of years ago, Matt created a CD called Creme de la Crap, a compilation of what he considered to be the worst songs ever. Not satisfied with only 24 steaming piles of musical genius, he enlisted a number of his music geek friends to suggest their favorites for future volumes.

This became tougher than we thought, for not only did we have more songs than we knew what to do with, we also didn't want to have to listen to them in order to determine whether, say, "Key Largo" is worse than "I've Never Been To Me" (it is). So instead, we would just e-mail each other stories like the ones below and make snarky comments about them, and that's why we created this blog, to share it with all of you.

But that doesn't mean we have completely abandoned CdlC. Through inspiration by the gang at Popdose, home of the Cutouts Gone Wild, Chart Attack and Mellow Gold series', we can continue our original mission. Stay tuned for more.

Of course! It's so simple, really.

2008-01-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

Gynos Removing Wrinkles?

Are people really this stupid? (Don't answer) For evidence, the state presents this statement from the 'victim':

“She’s a really good gynecologist, so I assumed she’d be good at anything she did,” says the 29-year-old Chicago-based realtor.

---------------------------

Sure, no problem. If I ever have a brain tumor, I'll call on Chris DeMarco to operate because, you know, he's a really good golfer.

These people are opting out of the gene pool. Let 'em go, sez I!

Like chicken?

2008-01-09T16:06:00.000-05:00

Bon Apetit!

This article has a little something for everyone. I particularly like the very last quote the answer to which is "the one in the microwave"!

...or wear plaid, for that matter

2008-01-09T08:35:00.000-05:00

Dead men don't cash checks

Did they really think this was a good plan?

"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said.

The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check

[snip]

"He was deceased in the apartment when he was removed by these two," Browne said.

Nobody appreciates radical design anymore

2008-01-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

General Dynamics steps on a mine

From an article talking about a defense contract that General Dynamics lost w/ the government of the Czech Republic.

"The Pandur II CZ has an interesting quirk -- it was designed with a reverse-V bottom, the opposite of the V-shaped bottoms that have become all the rage since Force Protection (Nasdaq: FRPT) invented them. Everyone from Spartan Motors (Nasdaq: SPAR) to BAE Systems to Navistar began copying the design. The V-shaped hull is designed to deflect mine and IED blasts away from the vehicle and the crew inside, but the reverse-V design tries to contain the blast and keep it from ... hurting the tires. Hmm ... valuing tire rubber over human lives, who'd-a-thunk that idea wouldn't fly?"

Given that we've just come through the holiday season...

2008-01-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

Jesus may save, but Christians spend

Under Construction

2008-01-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

Check back soon for more.

- The YRCMTU Crew